Confessions of a J cup

I’m writing this in the hope that a chesty woman doesn’t feel alone or that a woman about to get implants will learn the truth about big boobs.

So what is a J cup? The cup of my bra for one breast  fits over my head like a aeronautical bonnet and that’s completely on my head and it’s not tight. Maybe two large rockmelons, cantaloupes if you prefer , gives you a better picture except these melons really aren’t that nice.

Lady Lumps

Now I have been told I am ungrateful, women would give up anything to have a chest like mine. Ok great, you’re welcome to them. As a matter of fact I have extra breast tissue growing in the fatty part of my breast, I will gladly donate to the needy. This extra breast tissue did cause some concern particularly after my mother developed breast cancer. (I am happy to say that she kicked cancers butt.) Ok maybe ‘some concern’ is a little light on especially when:

Estimated number of new cases of breast cancer diagnosed in 2018

18,235 = male icon 148 males + female icon 18,087 females

I also have a few fibroadenomas , cysts and benign tumours that need to be kept an eye on. My specialist and GP do this. I have had  FNA, Fine Needle Aspirations, done and have been having regular mammograms and ultra sounds since I was in my thirties. You see its hard to detect a ‘lump’ in a lumpy, dense breast and all changes need to be monitored. I practically live on tender hooks during the biannual testing. The testing I have done doesn’t take 30 minutes of a standard Mammogram it takes hours. Cancer is a scary thing. It hides well. (The link attached to fibroadenomas can give you more information on breast changes)

On the positive side I no longer turn beetroot red when I am being examined and I don’t have cancer.

They get bigger

I cannot tell you the size of how big I got when my milk came in after the birth of my first child. The midwives fashioned a supporting garment for me out of towels. I can tell you that there was sufficient milk there to feed the whole antenatal unit, I could rest my chin on them and I could not see my baby to attach them to feed. Upon medical advice due to the size, painful swelling and excessive milk production, (I was drowning my child) it was recommended that I stop the breast feeding because of the impact on my health. I’d also had an emergency c-section after a very long labour.


What is the effect on the body when carrying around these melons?  I have dents in my shoulders where my trapezius muscle meets the shoulder  because my bazoongas are too heavy. I look weird in any tank or strappy top and my shoulders ache all the time. My rib bones are deformed from wearing a bra. I have permanent bruising from supporting the girls. Don’t wear a bra I hear you say. HAHAHA, that means I wont be able to wear anything with a waist! Seriously gravity drags those babies down! I mean they are far from the empty sock look but the words ‘jungle woman’ spring to mind. The extra weight is also contributing to the degeneration of my spine, so pain is a good friend of mine.

Everyday tasks

Driving: Arms are held like you are hugging the air between you and the steering wheel, sometimes that crossover technic to turn a corner is inhibited by the need to fight ‘the girls.’

Eating: Wear a bib.  It’s not just being unable to get close to your food it’s also when it drops below the ‘boob shelf’, you can’t see it, everyone else can, very embarrassing. Though they are helpful for catching that extra flake of chocolate.

Housework: I do not recommend going braless at all for any task! Think Newtons Pendulum. I have heard of many nipple jamming incidents from my fellow chesty women. The other thing is if you bend from the waist your poor old back gets a run for its money.

Exercise = black eyes. Ok exaggeration but it is very uncomfortable. Even the most supportive undergarment cannot stop the bounce, heat rash or chaffing. I get chaffing under my arms if I don’t wear a sleeved shirt.

  • Swimming, well at least I have my own personal floaties.
  • Boxing; I carrying my own punching bags and am in no danger of upper cutting myself in the face.
  • Surfing: Being top-heavy I pretty much have given up on any sport that requires balancing. 

Hugs: Somehow hugging children feels wrong when their head is swallowed up by two chesty mountains.

Bath time: The song by Dolly Parton and Kenny Rodgers Islands in the Stream comes to mind.

At least your stomach stays dry when it rains or you are an umbrella for the vertically challenged.

Got it flaunt it girl.

Oh you most definitely flaunt them especially when most bathers barely cover your nipples. Same goes for lingerie. Store brought dresses look like tents. Most things I buy need to be tailored to fit. Buttons, well they are useless except when you need a projectile to hit someone discreetly in the eye, because that’s where everyone looks, at your breasts. That brings me to the ‘ogle’ of men. Look attention can be flattering and confidence boosting but then there is pervy; drooling, creepy pervy. I can honestly say that being a C cup size at the age of 11 was not confidence boosting, it made me incredibly self-conscious.

I also did think that in Grade 10 going to the fancy dress social as Dolly Parton was funny until I was groped by a pimply face twit.

They are expensive to get and expensive to maintain

Fake tatas cost a mint and when  you have big ones undergarments are rare and expensive to buy.  I get mine from a store called Big Girls Don’t Cry Anymore. That name says it all. I remember the first time I went in and got a bra that fitted there I was close to tears of joy. I had never been so comfortable and they had stock that didn’t look like something from an era long forgotten.

Mammograms are not free for ‘young’ women.

I have looked into getting a breast reduction. The public wait list for a plastic surgeon is years long. Privately I’ll need to pay a lot of money because the funding has been reduced by Medicare for this surgery. I will also be unable to work for about 4-6 weeks and as a casual that means no income. There is also the distinct possibility that they can grow back.

So anyone who is looking for a bigger size I urge you to think before you go ahead. For you curvy women remember you are not alone.





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